Thursday, October 15, 2009

Screw You Lysol... and Glade!

Well hello faithful blog readers and you first time readers! Its once again time to write my observations down so I may share them with you! The topic I want to discuss today is a very interesting one. There are many public restrooms in the world. (okay, I know what you are thinking, "restroom??", but trust me this is going to be good) There are many ways of keeping these public necessities smelling fresh and clean. Some of these include having an amazing ventilation system and a competent janitorial staff. However, there is one way that I both hate and admire at the same time. First let me tell you how I came to this observation. Today at work I felt that all too familiar urge to, "take care of business". I headed towards the restroom in the laundromat connected to my store. I entered the men's restroom and closed the door. (it is a one person restroom) Ladies and gentlemen I will spare you the details of the next few moments as I am sure you can fill in the blanks from your own experiences. As I was minding my business atop the porcelain throne of relief I was startled by a loud and horrifying noise! The janitorial staff decided it was best to install one of those stupid air fresheners that goes off at different intervals. These things drive me up the wall!!! I love them because they keep the toxic fumes masked and the restroom smelling decent, but I absolutely hate them because they scare the living "crap" out of me!! I am sitting there relaxing and the next thing I know I am on edge with adrenaline pumping through my body at the speed of light! (pshshshshttt!! - thats the noise they make... Use your imagination smart ace!!) :) The thing that really gets me is that quality companies like Lysol and Glade are producing home models!!! I DON'T feel safe in the world anymore people!! I am like a blood hound every time I enter a house or apartment!! I have to find the air freshener before the devil machine finds me! Seriously just think about this for a second. You are watching a great movie on your couch. The end is nearing and its just the way it should be... the guy gets the girl, the girl gets the guy, the frog turns into a prince and Garrett wins a billion dollars.. Okay maybe thats a little overboard, but honestly!! The entire movie would be ruined if you owned one of these "home models". Pshshshshttt!! RIGHT at the climax of the movie!! Now instead of feeling joy and happiness you are feeling fear and possibly a wet spot in your pants! You can place these machines absolutely anywhere! On a desk, behind a house plant, in the kitchen... Its like everywhere I go I am in danger of being mortified! To all those people who have the audacity to purchase one of these, "sounds of Satan" machines I say to you, "thanks for making my life a living nightmare!". Now I can't even use the restroom at work without staring at the machine awaiting its puff of fear and what I believe to be vanilla spice?? Does that even sound right?? lol oh well! People please join with me in the fight against these terror contraptions! If you own one.. please for the safety of my heart and the hearts of others throw it out the window, burn it, dice it into bite size pieces and bury it deep, DEEP in the earth! Lets all make our world a safer place... together. :) Screw you Lysol! ... and Glade!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Marshmallow Mateys - An Inconvenient Truth

Hey everybody! I am really sorry that I haven't posted a new blog in a while..... No.. Wait.. I am not sorry at all!! I feel like this blog is turning into a relationship!! I don't need to be sorry to you!! I never said I would post everyday, or that I would, "make my best effort". So let me restart. (yeah thats right, I will not be exerting the energy needed to erase what I just wrote) haha! :) Hey everybody! Welcome back to my blog!!!! (where all your wildest dreams come true) My observations are going quite well, and it was difficult for me to decide what I wanted to blog about today. I finally decided that I liked the whole picture thing I used in the last one so I am going to give it another shot. Today however, it is not a picture of a person rather a picture of an item. As I was working I came across a few things that really rubbed me the wrong way. (yes that means there is a right way to rub me too.... but we will get to that another time) Get your mind out of the gutter! ha! So to begin what would you say is one of the most annoying things when you are eating Lucky Charms for breakfast?? If you are a normal sane individual you should have said, the wrong cereal to marshmallow ratio. Now being a college student I must spend my money wisely.. This means purchasing Marshmallow Mateys instead of the wonderful red box with the schizophrenic leprechaun that IS Lucky Charms. They taste about the same, but when I saw this bag of Marshmallow Mateys at my place of employment I swore off this "breakfast cereal" (if you can even call it that), forever! Let me just show you what I mean... As you can clearly see, If I were to pour a bowl of this travesty my cereal to marshmallow ratio would be all wrong!! The first few bowls would be all cereal!! Yes folks, that means NO sugary marshmallows!! I'm not going to wake up for that! You are crazy! But then I would eventually choke down all the cereal and the next bowl on another morning would all be marshmallows! Lord protect all who would come into contact with me that day! I would jump right out of bed for all that sugary goodness! The world would come to an end as we know it. I would never fall asleep! So ladies and gentlemen can you see where I am coming from? This strange phenomenon of cereals not being properly mixed is an outrage! Some smart ace out there is saying to himself right now, "you lazy butt, just buy it and shake the bag up!" ABSOLUTELY no. Its not my job to mix up the cereal I purchase! I open the box, tear open that frustrating plastic that always seems to be impossible to open in the morning, pour the cereal, add a little milk and spoon and ENJOY!! There is no room for, "shaking the bag". You never see a label on the side of the box/bag that reads, "CAUTION: contents not thoroughly mixed. Mix well for full enjoyment!" I know I am sounding absolutely mad right now, but I am just laughing out loud! Anyway, I need to get to my class. I hope you enjoyed this blog! Keep checking in for more laughs! Thanks all! :)

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Victim of Simply Observing

Well good day everyone! This is a little out of the ordinary because normally I write my blog in the evening. But ladies and gentlemen, this is just too good to leave until tonight. I regret to inform you that I, Garrett, became the victim of, "Simply Observing". In this post you will find a picture of a man and who I assume is his wife. I say assume because he was paying absolutely no attention to her and absolutely all attention to me and my brother. My mother was having a leg operation and we had arrived to pick her up. Choosing a seat was moderately easy, but after taking my place in the chair I was immediately uncomfortable. As I looked across the room I met eyes with a stern old man. (cue picture...)Normally when people lock eyes they immediately look away because of the awkwardness of the moment. That is unless it is the love of your life... However, folks, this man was NOT the love of my life. I started laughing and this only interested the man more! My brother was also a victim. At one point the man's beady eyes were blazing down at him so I did the respectful thing and texted him. Haha!! We both began laughing hysterically!! The man would not look away! I looked at my brother and told him I was going to compete in the staring contest. Normally I am a fierce competitor in this game, but this man was a pro. I lasted about four seconds before I had to look away and laugh uncontrollably. Ironically, I was dying in a medical center. The chair was basically moving all over the place because I was fighting falling out of the chair! I knew that this was going to be one of the best moments in my day for a blog so I turned to my brother and through my tear filled eyes said, "blog moment". I took advantage of the opportunity and pulled out my phone. I did what I know for a fact the majority of cell phone users do. I held up my phone between our line of vision and, "pretended to text". Really I was taking a picture, and even taking a video! (the video didn't turn out well) I captured the moment and now I am able to share it with you! Just a word of advice to all you observers out there... DO NOT stare for extended periods of time! Especially when the person makes DIRECT eye contact! Its just not a good idea! But kudos to whoever that man is. He out observed the simple observer. This man was not the only hilarious thing in the waiting room though. This was an amazing 20 minute visit! I laughed so hard and simply enjoyed all the patients had to offer. Anyway, thats all I have for now! Have a great day and good luck observing!

By the way, whats the deal with the woman's shirt in the picture!?! I wish she would've played a more active role in my visit! I am sure she would've been a riot! :)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Late For The Bus?

It's that time again! It's time for me to poke fun at YOU, the general public. Well okay, maybe not you exactly, but definitely the significant percentage of you who decide to entertain me with your actions and words. Today was a very interesting day. Once again lots of interesting observations, but there definitely was one that decided to take me to my limits and back. Today is Thursday and this means that its a work day for me. I will spare you on the complaining that we all know I could do and skip straight to the incident. It was a cold and dreary morning... haha listen to me! I sound like a story book.. sad day! :) But for real, it was cold and quite dreary. You must first understand that like any university a majority of the students travel by bus. Working at the creamery gives me the perk of watching all of these students as they walk to the bus stop. This morning I observed a group of individuals traveling to the bus stop together. All of them suddenly started sprinting. I immediately looked behind them to see the savage Indians chasing them off the cliff like buffalo. Haha, not really... in reality, the bus had arrived. What made this mad dash for transportation hilarious was the man at the back of the group. He didn't run like the others. (at first) He stopped and watched as the others ran away from him. Then he decided to run as well. About three strides later the man came to a halt again. This made me chuckle. He looked rather flustered, then began to run again! And like clockwork he stopped three strides later. I began to laugh heavily. The man was as indecisive as a child at the candy counter in the supermarket... and I know because I was that child. Every time the man would start and stop, my laughter became more and more intense. He repeated this motion until he was out of my sight. I was crying pretty profusely by this time and was glad he was out of my sight so I could recover and breathe again! I returned to my work and as I was entering some numbers in the computer a figure appeared across the street. I completely LOST IT!!! It was the same guy!! He had missed the bus, and was the only one to miss it. He was out of breath and looked pissed! I think he saw me laughing because he turned his head sharply in my direction. I just about had an accident I was laughing so hard. I felt SOME pity for him because now he had to walk or wait, but most of all I felt embarrassed for him. I knew that there was no way I was the only one to witness this fantastic event. In all my laughter I had forgot that there was the OCCASIONAL customer who came in to, "make my day". This one was at the counter for who knows how long, and obviously didn't see the event in it's entirety because if she had she would've been laughing right along with me. Folks, missing the bus or a flight or anything else for that matter has happened to all of us, and if not, you are a liar! It's something that happens and is just plain funny! (When its not you.. lol) So don't feel bad about laughing at it! People are just funny! Well I hope you enjoyed this post! Keep checking in for more updates and remember, when you do something dumb, it could end up in a blog... :)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Rainy Day Indeed

Hello Blog World!! Well I am back and am hoping that you all are enjoying my blog as much as I am. From the wonderful comments I can see that I am helping brighten some days and that makes me feel great! Just for your information I have had some people give me ideas for funny things to look out for in my day to day activities. Some of these have been great ideas and I want to thank those people! But hey everyone I know there are lots more ideas out there for funny things to look for... So please feel free to write those down in the comment section of the blog so others can look for the humor side of life as well!! Anyway, on to the blog... Today I awoke to the sound of rain thumping against my window. It startled me at first because a leaf hit the window when I opened the blinds, but I calmed down. haha! After I calmed down the first thing that came to my mind was that today would be a great day to "Simply Observe". Because it was raining so hard I decided to walk so I could carry my umbrella instead of trying to ride my bike AND yield an umbrella at the same time. You would think that the average person would agree to this decision, one for their own safety and two for the safety of others. I mean come on!! Trying to ride a bike and hold an umbrella at the same time is just NOT a good idea! However, what would college be without the people who everyone wonders if they were REALLY accepted or if they just put up the appearance of having an IQ. I kid you not, as I was safely walking to school this morning a bicyclist passed me riding in the road. Not in the little space on the side, but IN the car lane. (The speed on this road is 40mph... Dumb!) And what was he attempting to do??? You guessed it! He was actually trying to ride his bike while holding an open umbrella over his body. Ladies and gentlemen, this was quite the sight. Let me quickly paint the not-so pretty picture. Bicycle+road+line of angry cars+UMBRELLA=Disaster! Obviously focused on keeping his body dry the man... no.... that would be a disgrace to our gender... the idiot completely disregarded the cars behind him. There was no way the bike was traveling at 40 mph! Mainly because half the time the umbrella was acting against his efforts by taking the form of a make-shift parachute pulling him back. By this time I had ceased my walking and was fighting back the all too precious tears of laughter that were filling my eyes. I was holding my sides but still keeping eye contact with the bicycle. It was a symphony for the soul of laughter! Rain as a nice backdrop, honking as ridiculous accents and my laughter as the sweet, sweet melody. Eventually the idiot reached an intersection. I said to myself, "good now he can stop this madness and let the cars pass him. By this time I was still a ways away from the intersection, but I could see him clear as day. To the delight of the cars behind him he pulled his bike to the side of the road. I thought it was over..... But oh was I wrong. This was the climax of the entire ordeal! As the light turned green the cars sped off and doused the idiot in water.. I absolutely lost it!! My sweet, sweet melody turned into an abrupt solo. Sure I felt bad for the idiot, but I absolutely could not help it. He could have handled the situation better. Like possibly try walking to school!?? Anyway.... thats all for now! Stay safe and stay dry! Feel the laughter!!! :)

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A Couple Puppies?!

Well hello again everyone! I was deciding on if I should write my blog today or just wait until tomorrow, but this is just too good to wait. So I have a job on my college campus working in a creamery (kinda like a grocery store). I am forced to wake up before anyone else in my apartment complex. Just wait.. Just wait.. 6 AM!!!! Now I know alot of you are saying, "oh, suck it up you wimp," but for a guy who stays up late doing absolutely random things this is absolutely insane. Anyway, I start work at 6:45 and open up the store. You must understand that at this time in the morning, I am not the most cheery person. So the unlucky individuals who choose to enter the store shortly after 7 AM (Heaven knows why?!?!) sadly, are not receiving the "best" customer service. One of these individuals was an older man seemingly on top of the world. After placing his orange juice on the counter he uttered the words that sparked this blog, "oh, and throw in a couple of those puppies". I immediately became very confused and simply asked the man to, "please clarify". After making a head-nod motion towards the donut case on the counter I knew he was looking to satisfy his sweet tooth. (If he had any... ba da crash! haha) Just kidding!! There were two types of donuts in the case, maple and glazed twists. The man was being absolutely stubborn. How hard it is to say, "maple"? Now I know saying, "glazed twist," is a little more of a challenge, but I mean come on!! So after grasping a piece of wax paper I opened the donut case and decided to make a decision. I knew I had a 50/50 percent chance of picking the right donut so I went with my first instinct, maple. The old man about lost his mind. "No! Not maple that's disgusting..." Ladies and gentlemen, he had the nerve to say that. I mean maple is delicious!! A quality pastry topping! haha I'm kidding. I mean he had the nerve to say that after not specifying his desires in the first place. So I placed, "a couple of puppies" in a bag for him and handed it to him. I gave him a half smile and sadly, forgot my usual, "have a nice day," remark. But as he was leaving I said, "Sir?? You enjoy eating those puppies!" He tilted his head as though he didn't quite comprehend what I had just said. Right then and there I knew that I had won. His ineffectiveness of communication turned out to be his ultimate downfall. The only thing that haunts me now is that those "puppies" are gone forever. I wonder what others will call things in the store?? I bet I could confuse quite a number of people by referring to things in the store as animals or even people's names... ex "Cheese?? Oh! Yeah you mean kittens.. They are in the fridge." Well, that's all for now.. Always remember, in order to laugh at ourselves, we must first laugh at others! haha :)

Monday, September 28, 2009

Well That's Interesting

Well hello everyone, and welcome to my blog! I am pretty new to this craze of internet expression so just stay with me and forgive any mistakes I might make! Okay?! Okay!! I am not going to start off with any type of introduction about myself because frankly, I could careless if you knew my favorite color or what I would do with a million dollars if I won it. But you can sure e-mail me or find me on facebook and discover tons of important information about me like what my eye color says about me and the initials of the person who is crushing on me! (Wow, lots of sarcasm haha) Anyway, let me get to the interesting stuff! I created this blog because I recently discovered that I observe alot more than most people. I was sitting in a class today staring at a man who was feverishly attempting to remove a piece of what looked like Big Red gum off his shoe. The man who's name I later discovered to be, "Greg" looked up quickly and asked, "What are you looking at?" A little taken back by the bluntness of his remark I answered, "Oh, Simply Obersving." He informed me of his terrible day consisting of various, "day downers". I felt somewhat sad and a little bummed for him, but started laughing out-loud uncontrollably! "Greg" had been scraping at the gum the entire length of our conversation and had made no progress! I found this to be overwhelmingly funny. Immediately realizing I had forgotten my manners I apologized to "Greg" and focused on the starting class.
So this is why I am starting this blog. I want the rest of the world to share in the everyday humor we call life! In order to laugh at ourselves, we must first laugh at others.... pause... HAHAHA Look forward to reading and laughing! Stay close to a restroom in case of a humor-related "accident", and never read at church or in the middle of a class, you might disrupt others with uncontrollable laughter! Life is humor, and humor is life! Lets enjoy it together...